I may not be cut out for academia

I had this evening earmarked for asking a PI to apply for a personal grant with me, and catching up on my Coursera. It's a quarter to eleven, and so far I have flitted anxiously between social media sites, eaten all the chocolate I bought to fuel myself through the taxing process of writing a several-sentence email asking someone to invest time in me, and clicked 'Compose'.

Oh, and I've written everything you're read this far! So I feel like there's something to be said for that.

The problem with waiting this long is that my process of emailing people for a job involves writing a self-flagellating email about how great they are and how I don't deserve to work for them and apologising for even contacting them, and saying how it's perfectly understandable if they don't want to take me on, then paring away the grovelling until I sound like a functional, employable human. Unfortunately, the more I let it twist and turn in my mind the higher a level of apologies and self-deprecation I'm going to have to work down from. Currently, no-one will hire me from my first draft of an email because it will sound as though I'll spend all my time lying on the floor of the lab, wailing with self-loathing, not getting any work done and making people step across me.*

Dear Professor C,

I contacted you previously about the possibility of undertaking a PhD in your lab. As you may be aware, the deadline for the submission of applications to IRCSET is next month, and I was wondering if you would consider applying with me. I know you didn't reply to my email asking if it would help if I looked for personal grants elsewhere, and you probably would have contacted me if you wanted me in your lab and thought I had a chance of getting an IRCSET grant, and - oh. I see how it is. I'm sorry for wasting your time.

Best regards,

Jennifer

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Dear Professor C,

As you may know, the deadline for applying to IRCSET is next month. I probably wouldn't get it, but I thought you might like to apply with me. There's only one award though, and I hear the application is quite hefty, and I understand if you're busy. I'd be very enthusiastic about working in your lab, but it's perfectly fine if you'd rather not have me!

Looking forward to hearing from you, unless you're too busy, in which case I'll take your silence as a no, and also I made you a cake,

Jennifer

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Dear Professor C,

I really enjoyed my time in your lab before Christmas, and was wondering if you would consider applying for a personal grant with me. You won't even know I'm there, honestly. I won't even need a desk, I can just sit at a box in the corner. Of course, if you secretly think my work was terrible but are too nice to say so, I will completely understand.

All the best,

Jennifer

P.S. I'm not sure if you realised, but the Santa Hat I gave you as a Christmas thank-you was handmade. Just to say.

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Dear Professor C,

OH GOD, I'M SORRY, DON'T LOOK AT ME.

I look forward to hearing from you.

All the best,

Jennifer

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On the plus side, it's not too late to find a nice cave in  the woods and live off whatever squirrels I can trap. If I only trap the grey squirrels I'd be doing an ecological service, too. It's comforting to have a fall-back option.

*I am good at lab-work! I got a First in my thesis project, and it dragged my overall grade up to a First, and I am good at seeing how the literature connects together! I just worry about sounding arrogant in unsolicited emails, and so I throw myself wholeheartedly in the polar opposite direction.